first_img AD Quality Auto 360p 720p 1080p Top articles1/5READ MORESanta Anita opens winter meet Saturday with loaded card He’ll Be Here All Week – Calling for a new civil tone in Washington, the president said, “… we must act in a spirit of good will and respect for one another.” After both sides of the aisle collapsed in laughter, Karl Rove announced that the president will spend the next two weeks bringing his message across the country to every improvisation and comedy store. Human Animal Hybrid – The president didn’t give any specifics but the word is that it will be built from Ed Begley’s chromosomes and get about 75 miles to the gallon. No Disagreement Here – Reaction to the president’s State of the Union speech was no surprise. Republicans thought it was the greatest speech ever given. Democrats thought it would cause cancer. IN OTHER NEWS Another Presidential Vacation – With the announcement that ABC’s “Commander-In-Chief” will go on a six-week vacation, anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan announced that she will camp outside ABC studios until Geena Davis comes out to speak with her. STATE OF THE UNION NOTES What He Say?– In delivering the Democrats’ State of the Union response in Spanish, Mayor Villaraigosa insisted that he be able to translate without being held to presenting an exact translation. Democrat leaders were distraught to discover that in his rebuttal the mayor had offered some actual ideas. “Now what’ll we do?” asked DNC leader Howard Dean. “We told the mayor he could translate, not make us go to work.” Oil Sobriety – The president is serious about the country’s addiction to oil. Right after his speech he immediately sent Dick Cheney into rehab. A bill approved by the state Senate on Monday bars state employees from making videos intended to look like objective news reports. The Governor’s Office disagreed with the new legislation. “One look at any of our videos would make it clear that the governor never intended them to be objective,” said an anonymous staffer who asked to be named. “If he wanted to make something be impartial, why would he have become a politician? Founding Fathers Out of Step – Following his view that the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA), enacted in the ’70s, is obsolete for today’s needs, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that there are other statutes that will be needed to be brought up to date or completely ignored. “The Constitution was written over 200 years ago,” said Gonzales. “It’s a different world today. Let’s face it, the British are no longer the threat they once were. “Gloria Gaynor Beware – Western Japan has imposed a ban on youths under 16 going alone to any establishment with a karaoke machine after 7 p.m. In another ruling, murdering anyone, any time, any place, who sings “I Will Survive” will be regarded as justifiable homicide. Oil Profits Hysterically Large – Exxon Oil reported $10 billion in last-quarter profits, surprising the admittedly nongouging corporation. “It’s not the huge profits that’s so hard to believe,” said Exxon spokesperson Rich Aziwannabe, “it’s the fact that we’re allowed to get away with it that keeps breaking us up.” Big Bird Reform – In an attempt to clean up corruption in Washington, Republicans are urging lobbyists to change the name of K Street to Sesame Street. “If we can’t get rid of the stench of corruption,” said Rep. Rick Santorum, R-Pa. “at least we can make it more kid-friendly.” Still Doesn’t Know Jack – White House officials now admit to at least 35,000 pictures that the president took with Jack Abramoff. “If I had a dollar for every lobbyist I took 35,000 pictures with, I’d be a wealthy man,” said the president, “which I understand I am … which I guess proves it.” Dual Usage Tunnel – Border Guard officials believe the tunnel that stretched from Mexico to the U.S. was not only used for drugs but also for smuggling illegal aliens. “We haven’t finished going through every passage yet,” said a border guard spokesman, “but it seems that they all end up at a different Home Depot parking lot entrance.” It Just Ain’t Fair – In a act of defiance, Saddam Hussein stormed out of the courtroom after being told that while he could act as his own lawyer, he couldn’t act as his own judge and jury. “This isn’t any court I’m familiar with,” said the former butcher. “What are they going to say next … that rape, torture and murder are somehow wrong?” Bad Fox News Day – In a strange twist from past forecasting, groundhog Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow and said there’ll be six more weeks of Bill O’Reilly. Sports Bulletin! For those looking forward to watching the Super Bowl later today, the NFL has announced the game would not be shown to make room for the commercials which, for the most part, is why most people are watching anyway. Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful.” 160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set!last_img

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *